Solitary Refinement Discussion Forum

The truth

2010-01-07T13:04:50-05:00

I think that it is difficult when you get stuck in your relationship “roles”. You knwo what I mean? Like for instance I am the perosn that I all my friends come to for advice. Or for wise counsel. I am usually there for them and they usually know that they can turn to me. The peoblem occurs when I am the one with the problem. What happens then? Who is there for me nad if I show that I have a problem, what will my freinds think? Will they still come ot me with their own problems? Will it make me look weak? I psychoanalyze myself a lot, so I think I always have short comings to talk about. But many times people do not understand. Most of my battles are fought in the mind and most of my short comings are exposed there. I need to work on vulnerability and being bale to openly share those short comings. Bringing them from the light of my mind into the light of others so that we can really bare one anothers burdens. It is funny how these roles happen with no one noticing that they are forming though. Gosh, another good thing is to ask some people what your weaknesses are that they see. I have never done that, but I have trhought of doing it. Haha. Maybe I will try it out and see where it takes me. I know that the Lord has been showing me alot about my weaknesses. I am thankful and humbled.

Fear of Failure

2010-01-06T19:35:50-05:00

One of the questions at the end of the chapter is, “What are you afraid of?” I think I am am afraid of failure. I constantly feel pressure to keep things going and make sure that I do not fail. I also feel a pressure to make sure that things look like they are succeeding even if that is not the case. I almost fear others finding out about my failures more than the failures themselves. I guess that is a mask that I wear.

I have to stop and remember that it is not about me and my successes. Life is not about whether or not I fail, and I will always fail if I try to do things in my own strength. The things in my life that have been my greatest successes came only when I fully surrendered to God and His will.

Admiting you have a problem

2010-01-06T16:52:58-05:00

I think that the biggest problem is admitting that you have a problem that needs to be dealt with. Because you can’t solve a problem if you don’t acknowledge it exists. I believe that is why Christianity is hard for people to accept, because it challenges the individual to ask hard questions about yourself and your life. It’s so much easier to tell yourself that the junk food is good for you than to go on a diet. I believe that the analysis that we are all putting on a show for the world is correct. I think people behave differently and try to be a different person around different people. I know in social situations and with people at work I had a different personality than I did at home with my family and my friends. I would use vulgar language and talk about inappropriate things that I do not believe Christ would think is healthy. Then with my family I also tried to be what they wanted me to be. I think this has hampered my ability to grow as a Christian and to discover who I really am as a Christian and a person.

He Holds Me Togather

2010-01-06T09:36:08-05:00

Yes, there are times I feel like my life is falling apart. I’m not going to go into too much detail, but I have been robbed of so much by many people I trusted. The pain comes into place when I admit to myself that I am still allowing them to rob me. I would like to believe I have moved on, but a lot of my thoughts and actions about myself are the outcome of what others have done. I am that child who constantly picks at a sore and wonders why it isn’t healing.

I’m afraid of losing everything that I’ve worked for. I’ve built my career, bought a home, and established a life for myself based on the dream of being a powerful speaker. My doubts are, “Can I really do this?” In a world like ours, can I really use my disability and the adversity I have overcome to motivate someone else to live a triumphant life? Will this world that thrives on perfection ever see weakness as power? Will I ever really get a chance to shine or will the cloud of my wheelchair forever block me?

Now, some people will say, “You are a Christian and you should not have that fear.” But, the fact is, I am not perfect. I make mistakes. I have sinned just like the next person. Even though God forgives, He never said that there wouldn’t be consequences. I spent a lot of time conforming to my environment and compromising my beliefs. Who’s to say that my life falling apart would not be a result of the seeds I’ve sown? This is why I am so thankful for God’s grace, mercy, love, and kindness.

Thoughts

2008-10-20T08:13:12-05:00

Some of my most painful hurts are of course from my childhood. Often I was treated differently with out knowing why. I’ve always tried my best to be kind and equal to others and yet even now as an adult I sometimes feel others treat me differently. I was the student that if the whole class was talking was called out by the teacher to stop talking! What is that??? Any ways that seems to still follow me and hopefully I can deal with it and let it go, and maybe I’m not really being treated differently, but seeing things from my limited view.Some of my deepest regrets go back to all the times I didn’t take the chance to witness to schoolmates. I also regret the church I grew up in as they didn’t challenge us to think of others nor did they teach us how to witness and share the good news. I thought well people will notice I’m different and that is my testimony. Not true. People did notice but I wasn’t equipped to take them any farther. So sad. But I do pray for those moments when I can share, even if it doesn’t get through to some one I know it’s a seed that will hopefully some day sprout. Lastly. What am I afraid of? I think one of my biggest fears are the getting to the end and realizing I wasted my life by always thinking only of my self and not noticing the world around me.