Yes, there are times I feel like my life is falling apart. I’m not going to go into too much detail, but I have been robbed of so much by many people I trusted.  The pain comes into place when I admit to myself that I am still allowing them to rob me.  I would like to believe I have moved on, but a lot of my thoughts and actions about myself are the outcome of what others have done. I am that child who constantly picks at a sore and wonders why it isn’t healing.

I’m afraid of losing everything that I’ve worked for.  I’ve built my career, bought a home, and established a life for myself based on the dream of being a powerful speaker. My doubts are, “Can I really do this?” In a world like ours, can I really use my disability and the adversity I have overcome to motivate someone else to live a triumphant life?  Will this world that thrives on perfection ever see weakness as power?  Will I ever really get a chance to shine or will the cloud of my wheelchair forever block me? 

Now, some people will say, “You are a Christian and you should not have that fear.” But, the fact is, I am not perfect.  I make mistakes.  I have sinned just like the next person.  Even though God forgives, He never said that there wouldn’t be consequences. I spent a lot of time conforming to my environment and compromising my beliefs. Who’s to say that my life falling apart would not be a result of the seeds I’ve sown?  This is why I am so thankful for God’s grace, mercy, love, and kindness.

It is so easy to doubt ourselves, isn’t it? Sometimes a little doubt is okay though. Every morning when I wake up, I feel like I don’t have what it takes to get through the day and finish well, which forces me to start my day relying on God instead of trusting in my own abilities.

HIS divine power has given us EVERYTHING we need for a Godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.  Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in THE DIVINE NATURE, having escaped from the corruption the world caused by evil desires.  1 Peter 1:3-4

As believers, we have the freedom to allow the Holy spirit to dwell within us...the old has gone and the new has come.  It’s certainly not easy to remember that on a daily basis.  It’s much easier to believe what the world says about us or even our own negative thoughts about ourselves.  God has been teaching me lately that I can rest in him...believing that he is faithful and true.  It’s really not about me…

My self doubt comes when I forget who is in control and try to pressure myself to be perfect.  Its easy to try and impress people and make them believe that I have it all together because that is what the world tells us that we should do...in actuality...we are complete in Christ!  This life is a constant war against the flesh...i have to remember that this is not my home...it will never “fit"…

In response to “hischild”: You are absolutely right when you say that self-doubt comes when we forget who is in control! Good point!